Demobbed
by Julie Ann Pope
Summary: Bernie's immediate reflections upon arriving home after being discharged from the hospital.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** My headcanon about the incident that drew Alex and Bernie together is explored a little further in my first fic 'Battle Lines.' I may one day choose to elaborate further, depending on what happens with Bernie in the rest of the series.

* * *

Bernie carefully rolled over in bed and allowed the hot tears to fall down her face and into the pillow underneath her. Her neck was still stiff and sore, but she'd needed a change of position from staring at the ceiling. Besides, there was something comforting about being wrapped cocoon-like in the duvet and curled into herself. The tightening in her chest had nothing to do with her recent surgery and everything to do with her turbulent emotional state. On reflection she knew that she hadn't had sufficient time to deal with the accident, her condition and subsequent surgery and then lastly there had been the break up with Alex. The latter was what had been playing on her mind the most since she'd arrived home.

Home.

Funny word that, with an even stranger meaning for her at the moment. She's lived a nomadic existence for the last twenty years or so and this house has been the base she always comes back to. But it doesn't feel like home, nothing does really and Bernie isn't entirely sure what that's supposed to feel like.

They say that home is where the heart is, but she's not even sure where that lies these days either. It's definitely not with Marcus, hasn't been for some time, and she's strangely not that sad about it. He's a good bloke, but terribly needy and probably ought to have one of those doting wives who'll bring him his pipe and slippers with a large glass of brandy at the end of a long working day. She'd be young, of course, possibly voluptuous and she'd almost certainly require a knight in shining armour to get the car started on a frosty morning or to fix a leaking tap in the bathroom. Not that Marcus is any good at that stuff either, but aforementioned damsel in distress probably wouldn't care that much.

Bernie has always been self-sufficient, had to be after losing one parent as a child and the other in her early twenties. She's always been taught that she can't rely on someone else to support her, to bail her out or fall back on. So, throughout her life, she's done everything herself and although not a front line soldier, she could make a decent apprentice car mechanic or plumber. She even knows her way around a set of power tools, if it came to it. Despite her outward appearance, Bernie is a strong woman, both mentally and physically, and more than capable of handling herself. However, therein lies the rub. A human being can only sustain so much for so long before they break and front line medicine can crack even the toughest of shells.

It's not Marcus's fault that Alex just happened to be in the right place at the right time to catch Bernie when she fell. Even if he had have been interested or attentive or just capable of empathising on a professional level, it might have been something. But he'd been none of those things so Bernie had internalised it all. She really hadn't been looking for an affair, and Alex was certainly a surprise to her system when it had eventually happened.

Alex lived through the experience of being a frontline medic every day and instinctively felt what Bernie felt. She saw what she'd been through and had been right by her side when the worst had happened. It hadn't been the absolute worst the Major had seen in her career, just the one that had resonated the most. And then when that tough exterior had fractured it had been temporarily held in place by Alex's cool, calm control and sticking plaster words of encouragement until they could take refuge, away from their comrades. Alex had instantly ripped away her temporary fix and let her superior shatter completely, and Bernie's wound had been left gaping and raw. However, by hitting rock bottom they both then found their way back up together and as those wounds began to heal, something new and hopeful grew between them.

* * *

And now here she was; sobbing, broken-hearted in a bed with unfamiliar sheets in an unfamiliar room. She'd disagreed with Marcus on the way home from the hospital; he'd wanted her to take their room but she'd insisted on the annexe. She'd argued that it was on the ground level with an en suite which would help while she still wasn't fully mobile. However, they both knew that it was really about allowing her some privacy and freedom to please herself. If Marcus was under the illusion that their marriage was back on track, he was even more clueless than Bernie had given him credit for. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that it was unfair and unkind to think that way but right at this moment she had more pressing concerns.

Bernie had accepted this leave of absence, or period of convalescence, in order to have a chance of finding and speaking to Alex face to face. The younger woman had apparently declined her own extended commission and come back to the UK, despite their previous plans to the contrary. Bernie knew that Alex lived in Bristol, not that far from here, which would be perfect for orchestrating an opportunity to meet up and talk things through.

One thing Bernie knew from a lifetime experience of having to be strong for everyone around her, was that emotional issues were easier to step away from rather than deal with them and she suspected this was what had got Alex running scared. It had to be, otherwise the alternative didn't bear thinking about; that she'd been wrong and Alex really had meant to break it off with her. For two years their relationship had developed and evolved into something balanced, fulfilling, stimulating and the sex had been better than Bernie had imagined it could be.

It was slowly beginning to dawn on her what she wanted, what made her happy and what she might have to do to get there. In the coming weeks she'd probably have to play the long game, so she treated it like a mission. Bernie Wolfe against the world; just as it had always been.


	2. Chapter 2

She begins politely; ' _I think we should talk_ ,' is eventually sent in a text message because Alex's phone just keeps ringing out.

After four days with no response, Bernie tries phoning again and leaves a message on the answerphone, which now seems to have been switched on. ' _I don't know what's going on but please, talk to me. I miss you_.' It's just shy of begging but Major Wolfe cares not for her reputation in this instance.

Another few days go by without a response so Bernie sits down at her computer and composes an email. She talks Alex through the IED accident from her point of view (apologising profusely for not seeing it until too late, or more accurately not recognising it for what it was immediately) from being an inpatient at Holby General and to her subsequent 'pedestrian' locum posting for the duration of her recovery. It starts fairly bland and factual but ends with Bernie blurting out how she has felt about the younger woman for some time but hasn't had the courage to tell her. Therefore, if Alex had been doubting, she could understand because she'd not been overt about it. Of course, Bernie knew that Alex understood the position she was in, that they were both in, but there was only so much a lover was going to understand before they got fed up of waiting. After realising a thing or two whilst being injured, Bernie emphasises how it could be different now and wants to make a proper go of things if only Alex would come and see her. She asks why the younger woman has also taken a leave of absence, especially after they'd both agreed to stay so they could be together. Had something happened to her mother and was there anything she could do to help? She signs off, leaves her address, home telephone number and details of how to get hold of her at Holby General and waits.

A couple of weeks go by and along with them there is the dawning realisation that Alex is not going to get in touch. Bernie could, of course, use her influence and position to find out something from official channels and recent mutual colleagues. However, that would only lead to more questions, uncomfortable ones for her, and no matter what was going on with Alex, she didn't want her reputation sullied either. Bernie wasn't stupid and knew that the medical corps grapevine was more efficient than taking out an advertisement in a national newspaper. She had picked up on the odd whisper about her close friendship with Alex and was keen to keep it at just that, even now.

The pain of being ignored by someone she was once intimate with is horrible and leaves an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. Bernie starts to question their entire friendship and then eventual relationship. Had she been taken for a fool? Had she fallen; hook, line and sinker for someone who never had any intention of making it a real, solid relationship outside of duty? She wondered if Alex had ever cared about her at all; she didn't seem concerned for her wellbeing, if she was recovering well from her surgery or why she'd taken the leave of absence from the army. It's as though they had never become anything more than comrades, colleagues even.

But they had shared so much over the years and had grown particularly close both emotionally and physically. What had Bernie done so wrong that warranted being ignored? She could be stubborn and difficult at times but she wasn't a horrible person, at least she thought not. The thoughts whizzing around her head sent her spiralling into a mild depression and bless Marcus for trying, but she just can't bring herself to try very hard and pretend that he's what she wants. Her heart is broken and deflated in grief, barely registering that it had been whole and filled with joy for at least a while.

* * *

Bernie presses send on her text to Marcus and switches the phone off, only to turn it straight back on again. She unlocks the screen and brings up her contacts list. Right at the top is the simply titled entry; ' _Alex_.' Bernie selects 'options' and her eyes are immediately drawn to one in particular. Her finger hovers over the _delete_ button, just as it has done several times before. With a heavy and reluctant heart, she presses down on the screen and suddenly the rename field pops up. Not quite having the strength to erase her lover from her life entirely, despite it being a fairly arbitrary exercise on her mobile device, Alex has been relegated to ' _Captain Dawson._ ' Now she could really do with that fag and Bernie is regretting more than ever giving them up for Marcus. But she has her pride and there's something to be said for sticking to something through sheer willpower. Besides, the effects of a stiff drink or three would probably last longer.

She thinks about her day with Jac Naylor and Henrik Hanssen and no doubt there'll be others she clashes against and does battle with along the way. Major Wolfe accepts the gauntlet laid down before her, she always did enjoy a particularly difficult challenge. Bernie's well being, on the other hand, will have to be put on the back-burner, hidden away until she either has the strength to deal with it or she caves in on herself and is forced to.


End file.
